Damaging Voices Inside My Head

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Why is it that my motivation and energy for my advocacy is so on point and strong, yet the motivation to head outside and take a long hike for myself is difficult to form into a habit? Likewise, my desire to cook at the end of the work day and choose healthy food. I know which foods to stay clear from and which ones to fill my pantry shelves and refrigerator full of, but when it comes to the motivation necessary to form a habit; I struggle. How about you?

I’ve realized today that the road to education, creative thinking and striving toward something in these categories, has been a strength of mine. I don’t have a video tape inside my head playing that says I’m unworthy anyway, so why bother or you’ll never be good enough so stop trying. Those evil messages are inside my head, each and every time I try to lose weight, exercise and do anything for myself, outside of education. Why? I asked myself the same question today and I got an answer, I think.

Growing up, I’ve always been told, “you’re so beautiful, if you could only lose weight, you’d get any man you wanted.” Other negative messages came through when I was assaulted, when my father left us, when my step dad left us, when my mother kicked me out of her house. Messages reminding me that I’m not really wanted, not loved, not worthy and not important. Those messages, intentionally screamed into the psyche of my mind, have lived with me for years and when I try to take time to invest in myself, they sabotage me. How?

Each time I lose weight, through diet and exercise, I injure myself and can’t work out, so why bother? Those message play over inside my head and so I think, ‘oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway.’ So, my habit of not working out takes over because I cannot keep up the routine when I’m hurt. The vicious cycle. The same thing with food. I can get into a regular cooking routine and schedule and everything’s going well, but then comes a long exhausting day and typically it’s when I injure myself working out. All hell breaks lose. What’s the point anyway the messages play over and over.

I’ve been successful and achieved many milestones in life, but these two have exacerbated my health too long and it’s time to change.

Anyone else out there feel like this?